Dear Sound Guy at the Club,

Do your job!

And don’t lie to me and tell me you are... because the last two shows I went to were both affected by you NOT DOING YOUR JOB.

The first show was at El Cid, where apparently you operate by a simple “set it and forget it” rule. You do know that not every song is the same right? Sure the set started out sounding good, but soon the backing vocals and violin were drowning out the rest of the band and people started heading for the exit. The second show was a few short days later at The Hotel Cafe, where you were again nowhere to be found when the band needed your help getting sound to an acoustic guitar. Luckily the band quickly changed up their set and soldiered on, winning over the crowd, despite your mysterious absence.

Now I realize you may have a different definition of what “doing your job” means than the rest of the world does, so let me break it down for you so there is no misunderstanding...

You work in a space that makes its money by selling alcoholic beverages... and probably some nachos and other food stuffs. The space you work in is big and has a stage in the corner, so the people who own it bring in bands they think will draw a crowd of people who will drink the alcohol and eat the nachos and crap they are selling. Those people have hired you to come in and make those bands sound good so the people who are buying the drinks and nachos and crap will stick around and buy more drinks and nachos and crap. If you walk away halfway through a set to go have a drink or a smoke or to trying to convince some girl how much better your shitty band is than the one on the stage, guess what... YOU ARE NOT DOING YOUR JOB!!!

And you not doing your job is not just bad for the band on the stage or the people you work for... it’s bad for the local music scene as a whole. It’s bad for every band that isn’t playing that night as well as for your shitty little band. And it’s bad because if just one of those people in the crowd is out for the first time checking out the local music scene, you will have confirmed everything they’ve assumed about it. That it’s not worth their time. And so, they won’t be coming back anytime soon... and neither will their friends.

So, please, Sound Guy at the Club, do you job. Because if people are enjoying the music that night, rest assured, they will be back again for more. And one of those nights just might be the night you’re shitty little band is playing. And I’m sure, when that night comes, you’ll want the sound guy at that club doing his job too.

Love,
Gorillacoustic

I realized while writing last week’s rant that the questions posed were ultimately very subjective. Though valid, I recognize that they could still be answered incorrectly by deaf or jaded ears.

So this week I’ve come up with four new questions that I feel are be a bit less subjective and may help you see yourself through others.

1) Are you friends with a lot of other bands?
And I don’t mean friends with other friend’s bands, but friends with bands you’ve met while out gigging. In any circle, it’s important to be accepted by your peers. Just like you wouldn’t want to be associated with the weird kid who smells and picks his nose, no one wants to be associated with the crap band who can’t pull in a crowd. Bands want to be friends with other good bands to ensure they are on quality bills that draw crowds... not disperse them.

2) Are the other bands paying attention when you are playing?
Again, not just your friends. If other bands like and respect your sound they will watch when you play to study how you are doing what you are doing. If they are pointing and laughing when they watch though, you may have a problem.

3) Do people you don’t know compliment you on a recent performance on your MySpace or Facebook pages?
If someone you’ve never met is compelled to seek you out in order to compliment you on a show they happened to be at, you could dismiss it as a fluke. If several do it, you’re doing something right. If no one does... ever... either no one is watching, or no one cares (you decide which is worse).

4) Do people offer to help you out?
This one’s a no-brainer. If people like your sound and think you have the potential to one day reach a wider audience, they will help you out... whether it be for free or at a reduced cost... in hopes that you will remember them when you eventually make it to the big time. No one wants to spend their precious time and energy on someone they don’t believe will every amount to anything. Would you? So, if that friend of yours isn’t calling you back to help out with that flyer, video, t-shirt, etc., you may want to either step up your game or just call it quits.

If you answered “no” to more than one of these, its time to rethink you situation. And if you answered “yes” to only one, go back, re-read the questions and really answer them honestly as they all go hand in hand.

Just know, I’m not asking these questions to be mean or heartless, but to save you the time and energy you could be investing in a new, more productive hobby... like writing your own music blog. \m/

Next week I stop picking on the musicians and take a poke at the listener with “Lady Gaga is Your Fault”.

Well, we’ve been live for just under 4 weeks now and nearly 2000 people from 6 continents (sadly, still no Antarctica) have navigated their way here to watch our featured artists perform. Not bad considering this has been a completely word of mouth endeavor thus far. France has given us the most foreign love to date (merci beaucoup); and we've had visitors from surprising places like Ecuador, Morocco, Oman and the Philippines.

We are humbled by the support and aim to continue to expand the site and introduce you to awesome new music... like this week's featured band Hello My Name is Red.

A common question we’ve been getting since going live is how we choose the bands we feature on the site. I’ve decided the best way to answer that question is by addressing potential artist directly... and bluntly. And the best way to do that is with a completely unscientific 4 question test I devised in my top secret musical research facility.

So, break out your #2 pencils boys and girls... the test begins now:

1) Is your singer any good?
I truly believe that a band lives or dies by its singer. I’ve checked out many a band that had my ear until the singer opened his or her mouth and ruined everything. I don’t care how good the rest of your band is, if your singer sucks, no one will care. Period. Now I’m not saying your singer has have to have the best voice in the world (check out this week’s Current Obsession for proof of that), but they do need to know how to use what they have to compliment the music.

2) Do you know how to mix a track?
This is a good indicator of your musical ear. If you can’t tell that the mix on your demo is terrible you really don’t have an ear for music. And just to be clear, I’m talking about the quality of the mix, not the quality of the recording. I’ve heard some awesomely mixed garage tapes (take this week’s featured band for example)... but conversely I’ve heard some terribly produced studio recordings.

3) Do you have a style all your own?
I’m not saying you have to be your own unique special flower... just don’t be a deft copy of the bands you like. You may be incredible, but if I wanted to hear those bands, I’d listen to them, not you.

4) Do you have a song that will stick with me after I’m done listening to it?
Because at the end of the day, no matter how good you singer is, no matter how talented you are as musicians, or how unique your band is, if you can’t write a song that stays with me when I’m done listening, what’s the point? You might as well hang out in your garage and play for yourselves. The whole reason for going out to share your music with the world is in the hopes that they’ll take it away with them. If you don’t at least have one vulture of a song that can dig its talons into your audience’s skull, then they will forget about you the second the music stops. If you give your audience nothing, they will take nothing away with them. I can honestly say that each and every band we’ve featured so far on this site has had at least one or more of their songs stuck in my head for a significant amount of time.

So there you have it. I do recognize that the above may seem a bit snarky and that musical taste is a completely subjective thing that no test can really define, but if you were cool enough to have taken an honest look at yourself and answered yes to all of the above, I’m sure you’re probably worth checking out... and we’d love to hear from you.

NEXT WEEK: “HOW TO TELL IF YOUR BAND SUCKS”

I am not a great writer or filmmaker. I never claimed to be. I am just a gorilla with a camera, a computer and a love of good music. I created this site to share that simian love by bringing to you live acoustic guerrilla performances by new bands I dig as well as older more established bands we trick into performing for us (whose the monkey now?).

We were originally planning to debut this week with 5 new bands, but unfortunately one had to be dropped because they wanted to dub over their performance. This is one monkey who DOES NOT perform tricks. What you hear and will continue to hear will always be the live audio captured on location. This is our promise to you.

In the coming days and weeks we will be adding more features including user submitted performances, album and show reviews, and other assorted time wasters. As we continue to develop, please excuse the mess and feel free to write us with comments, suggestions and smart ass comments. We promise we'll try not to fling poo at you if you send the latter.